Consultation

Polyamory, Open Relationships, Swinging, and More

Statistics show that 5% of all adult romantic relationships in North America are consensually non-monogamous in some way. That means millions of people are exploring various forms of open or polyamorous relationships at any given time! Surveys show this trend is increasing.

Despite this, our therapeutic theories and interventions are largely constructed around the culturally-imposed belief that monogamy is the only healthy or valid type of intimate relationship. This is simply not true.

Although the majority of non-monogamous people come to therapy for reasons unrelated to their relationship style, it nevertheless often represents an important aspect of who they are. Many feel scared of being judged or pathologized by a therapist, or may have already faced such treatment before.

At the same time, sometimes challenges do arise involving non-monogamy and its dynamics. As with any close relationship, there are often complex and nuanced mixtures of elements at play which may benefit from exploration and intervention.

Unfortunately, our mono-normative clinical education and training leaves many therapists without effective tools to help clients explore, conceptualize, and address questions related to non-monogamy. Even worse, such deficits leave therapists (and their clients) all the more vulnerable to conscious or unconscious biases.

Do you have the knowledge and skills necessary to help this rapidly growing and underserved population?

Kink, BDSM, and Power Exchange

Studies indicate that more than 60% of people fantasize about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism), also referred to as kink, and around 12-16% of adults regularly practice it.

Depending on the person, kink can represent anything from an occasional facet of their erotic life to a deeply important aspect of their identity. Many people also choose to incorporate kink dynamics, such as eroticized power exchange, into the fabric of their intimate relationships.

Just as with people in non-monogamous relationships (a population that significantly overlaps with kinksters!), most kinky people come to therapy for unrelated reasons. However, many are scared of being pathologized, judged, or having to laboriously teach their therapist about this important aspect of themselves.

Also similar to non-monogamy, those involved in kink often face a mosaic of challenges that might directly or indirectly relate to this aspect of themselves, such as social stigma, concealment and disclosure, dynamics of kink subcultures, as well as interactions between kink, sexuality, and relationship issues.

The appalling lack of training most therapists receive on human sexuality has been well documented, and very few clinicians are exposed to training related to non-traditional sexualities and communities such as kink. Once again, many therapists are left without necessary knowledge and skills to help a significant and frequently stigmatized group of people, and may struggle with their own reactions and biases.

As psychotherapists, we have an ethical obligation to improve our cultural competence with those whom we treat.

My Approach

I take a sex-positive, cultural competence approach grounded in cultural humility. This means that I view consensual non-monogamy and kink/BDSM as cultural layers (and often discreet subcultures themselves) that intersect with a person’s other aspects of identity and culture.

It further indicates my belief that we can never fully know the experience of someone different from us, and that we therefore must maintain a lifelong commitment to openness and a willingness to critically examine our own cultural influences and beliefs.

As a sex-positive clinician and researcher I believe in celebrating sexual and erotic creativity and diversity. I reject culturally-imposed notions of what healthy sexuality and relationships “should” look like, and instead seek to help clients explore what healthy means for them.

My clinical thinking is informed primarily by psychoanalytic theories, particularly relational, self-psychology, and object-relations frameworks, as well as various family systems modalities.

I appreciate the ways in which developmental and family history, life experiences, mood, anxiety, sexuality, as well as conscious, unconscious, and systemic factors all interplay to create unique challenges and opportunities for each person, at any time.

My expertise in these topics stems from many years of involvement with these communities as a clinician, researcher, community educator, and participant. I continue to expand my knowledge in these areas via active engagement and scholarship.

Sessions can be in my office (post-pandemic), over video, or over phone. I do not provide consultation over email. I offer discounted rates for students and pre-licensed professionals who cannot afford my regular fee. Please contact me for details.